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Sunday, June 8, 2008

A chat with Papa

Today I went to visit Papa.Went to the cemetery of course.I haven't been there for quiet a while.Wanted to go there yesterday but then I had no ride.Thanks to a good friend of mine who i kind enough to give me a ride today.

Why I went there?Because I need to talk to someone.Someone who will listen,someone who wont judge me,someone who I love,someone who I trust,someone who I call Papa.

Went there at around 3pm.It's usually very hot at that time but not today.It has been raining these couple of days.Kind of like winter here.The sky was grey.The wind was cold.It's like mother nature felt my sorrow,my loneliness.

There were not many people by the time I reached the cemetery.I went straight to Papa's tombstone,sat there,cleaned the dried leaves and said some prayers.That good friend of mine did the same.I think he then understood that I wanted to be alone so he walked away.Left me alone with my Papa.I touched his tombstone,it was cold.I looked at the grey sky,breathed in the cold air.

I greeted him with a salaam.I know he replied.Apologized to him for not visiting him for so long.You might think I'm crazy for talking to a grave but I don't care.No one can listen to me like he does.No one care for me like he does.I told him about Mama.She just finished her Masters Degree.Sensed him smiling when I told him that.Then I told him about my little brother and sister.They're at my cousin's place in Sarawak.Both of them have grown up so much.Jamie is a young lady.Izat is turning into a man.A handsome young man.Just like his Papa.Again,I sensed Papa smiling.I know he was so close to me.Listening to me.

I sighed for a second,and started talking about me.Before I could start,warm tear roll down my cheeks.I pull my sweater.I told Papa I miss him so bad that I really want him to be with me now.I heard his asking "what's wrong?".I swear I did.You can call me crazy I don't care.He is my Papa and I know what I'm talking about.I was being a little girl at that time.I was so lost but I know I was no longer alone.I know Papa was there,holding me in his arms,comforting me.So I calm down,and told him everything.

Told him how much I hate school now.Because school is being too school.There is no more fun going to school.Everything is about studying and nothing else.I hate that.Then I told him about Andy,how much I miss Andy and he haven't called.My hands were shivering because I was crying and because it was cold.I told I was so lonely,I felt so empty.Then about how people keep judging me,no one understands me.I told him everything,spilled the beans,let out all the secrets.I know I can trust you Pa.

I cried so much when I spoke to him.I know he felt my pain too.He was crying with me too.Holding me tight.I can feel his presence.I can hear him whispering word to my ears.It was nice.Though I cant see him,I can feel him.He was with me.He spoke to me.Because after I spoke to him,I cried so much.That time,I knew he was whispering to me.Motivating me.Telling me to be strong,keep smiling and school is not that bad.Then suddenly the vision of me having fun in school a couple of years ago came to mind.The times when I loved being in school.I laughed a little.Papa told me that,I knew it.He brought back the memories of me in school so I wont hate it that much.As for Andy,well,he will call later.I laughed again.Sure Papa was glad that I felt better,to see me laughing.He was laughing too I'm sure.

Before I left,I said another prayers.I smiled upon his grave.Closed my eyes and feel him near me.Felt his fingers wiping my tears,felt his lip kissing my forehead,heard his saying that he loves me.I love you too Pa.So much.I promised him I will visit him more often.He is my hero,he is my best friend,he is my man,he is my Papa.From that moment, I knew I wasn't alone.Papa is always by my side when I'm lonely.Papa is always holding my hands when I'm scared.Papa is guiding me when I'm lost.Papa is always hugging me when I'm sad.Papa always is always listening to me when I talk.Papa always tell me to get up and fight when I fall.Papa always love me when the whole world hate me.

2 screams:

Lord Hosni de Croquignolet said...

its touching..hmm..ignore bout that unsmart SMART. told u dy to go to TGB..ahakz! a few months to go n u can say hello to a long winding holiday. cheer up lil bit lily

jumapx said...

owh...touching sgt..hu3
but..be strong lily...
hidup ini harus dtruskan...
meski ada benda yg kt syg...
tak mampu lg utk kita miliki...

be strong girl...