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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Another 6 years


I asked myself today if I love you the way you want me to, for you walk away when I already fell into the final drop of your heart. Now what? Should I strip off this layer of colourful paint coats and expose my true colours which is mostly dull grey, or should I just paint another layer or colourful paint so it becomes thicker? Am I asking for too much? I just want to love you. I don't want to fix you for only you can fix yourself. I don't want you to change for I am not perfect myself, so I accept you the way you are and the way you are not.

Our lives will spin and pick up speed but our love wont slow them down. But if it does, it is for the good. You assume that I am not ready based on the fact that I'll out grow you like the rest of my childish toys. Childish toys. Honey, do you know what my childish toys are? six years ago I was eleven. This life that I'm going through now make me age faster that I should. A 11 year old girl who is suppose to be playing dolls but I'm already dealing with the emotion of being selfless to please others. That is my childhood toys. The toys that I still play with now and the toys I shall play with forever. So how can I be sure that in another 6 years the tears will gone away? Depends on what tears you're talking about sweetie. But as far as I'm concern, the tears of sorrowful and pain wont last that long in me. It's the tears of missing my loved ones last the longest. How can you be sure that I'll still be here? I already took an oath to stand by you until the very end. Unless you are the only one who walks away.

Silently screaming in a room made for one I don't understand if this is about me or you. It's about both of us. I am in denial that I'm in love with you and I my heart tells me that you do too. In denial. Fake. Wanting to believe the lies and denying to believe the truth. I don't even know what I'm doing now. Every time I turn to you, I add another layer of colourful paint. I acted like everything was normal. Like nothing ever happened. And you did the same too. Acting. We should each win an Oscar.

To save me from you made you locked yourself away and swallow the keys. Now I have no where to turn to. No one to hold. I knock on that door a couple of times, but it seem like you wont come out. Now I'm sitting here in front of the door because it is the closest I can get to you. I lean against the door to hear the slightest sound of you. I search for a tiny hole just so I can get a little look at you. From outside that door, I smell something burning. It's you burning away the pages that might have told our story. But remember honey, some of the pages are with me. And those pages will be held close to me. Those pages which write down the laugh we use to have, the words we use to say, the secrets we use to share, everything. The world doesn't know that I am a lost little girl for I appear to know where I am going. Good job colourful paint. Yet with this thick layer of paints, you still read me like a book. You know my weakness and my strength. You know what made me cry and what made me smile. You expect the world to lean on you. I don't blame you for that. You have compassion for others. You are selfless. You want to help. Nothing wrong with that. But please, do not be afraid to lean on me. I might not seen the world yet. I might not know how bad the world is. But I like to keep it that way. Since you've seen a lot of bad things, I can help you see the good in the world. You have the whole world leaning on you but you got no one to lean on. Come to me. Don't be afraid honey. Lean on me. You wont hurt me by doing so, I swear. I'll be fine. Rest your head on my shoulder and I'll kiss your forehead.

"Love was an easy game to play. But with you it's not a game. I don't know why I can't handle it like I used to. Maybe because I was afraid that you'd hate me. maybe because I was afraid of losing everything we had. Maybe.. because I really love you that much I'm trying so hard not to let you know because I didn't want to hurt you. I'm picking up where Jimmy stopped. Even though deep down inside it hurts so much to see you in vain trying to understand this fact ~ I love you"

From the bottom of my heart,
truly,
faithfully,
sincerely,
I love you.

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